Archive for November, 2011


I was talking to a gentleman, we’ll call him “James”,  who is dating a woman, we’ll call her Sophia” who everyone considers “a great catch” and “a super nice person. “

 There’s another woman, we’ll call her “kelly” that “James” has known for over 15 years. In fact, he grew up next to her and grew up playing with her in their front yards.  Upon talking to “James” and “Kelly” I found out that both of them see the other as a brother/sister. The mere fact of a “relationship” between the two is disgusting and their scrunched up faces seal the explanation.

 As soon as “james” sits down with “Sophia”, she snatches his cell phone. She flies to his contacts and deletes “Kelly”. She then reads all of his text messages, and deletes the ones from people she doesn’t like, or doesn’t want him speaking to. Then she sees “kelly’s” text…they have smiley and winky faces – according to “Sophia” this is unacceptable.  The fight then ensues for the entire lunch period and will continue at home and on Facebook.

 Is this right? NO!

 Does “Sophia” have the right to do this?   NO!

 Is “James” being abused?   YES!

 This type of abuse happens all of the time.  A relationship is based on trust. If you can not trust someone, you can not  have a loving relationship.

 When I suggested that “James” leave “Sophia” he said: “She will ruin me.”

 I of course asked how – “She will log onto my facebook and send nasty messages to every one of my contacts. She will then start posting every secret I have ever told her on her facebook. She has the entire school as her friend, so everyone will know everything about me, my family, my parents, and my siblings…including my friends. I can’t let this happen…besides, it’s not that bad.”

 “James” IS being abused, and because of him caring about the people in his life – he will endure the abuse!

 How many people out there are having this problem.

 A lot!

 How can James change his situation?

Opt 4 no abuse.

Opt 4 privacy.

Opt 4 respecting your partner!

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What does a healthy relationship look like?

 We’re just not taught what they look like….and many people do not see it in their own homes anyway.

 OR – they don’t see it in their friends.

 Many people just  haven’t been exposed to a healthy relationship so they think that what they’re experiencing is a healthy relationship….It’s not!

 This is how a healthy relationship should look like:

  •  ž  Supports your relationship with your and their friends and family.
  • ž  Maintains their own friends, and wants you to hang out with your friends too.
  • ž  Asks and values your opinion
  • ž  You can express your opinions, ideas, and dreams and do not feel threatened.
  • ž  Talks and listens to you
  • ž  Accepts responsibility for their behavior, feelings, and thoughts
  • ž  Apologizes when they’re wrong, and accepts your apology when you’re wrong.
  • ž  Considers the relationship a partnership.
  • ž  Shares in the decision making and wants you to share.
  • ž  Expects each person to deal with their own money, and doesn’t use money to get their way.
  • ž  Treats other people and animals with respect. (Especially their parents, elders, and servers)
  • ž  Is not upset about your relationship with someone of the opposite or same sex.
  • ž  Trusts you and expects to be trusted.
  • ž  Encourages you in your goals and dreams.
  • ž  Points out the positive in your appearance, your actions, and your ideas.
  • ž  You feel safe with.
  • ž  Resolves conflict without resorting to violence or put downs.
  • ž  Tries to understand how you feel.
  • ž  Accepts all aspects of who you are.
  • ž  Understands that people need some time alone to be with themselves, their family, or friends.
  • ž  Text you only when you respond or it is appropriate to text. Does not ask for nude pics.
  • ž  Understands NO, and variation of the word,  still means No!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3iuG1OpnHP8

This is a commercial for the new Dr. Pepper 10.

Why is this ok?

This is full in your face sexism that has become accepted in our society. This goes hand in hand with the multiple sexist images in our world such as women being seen only as a sex object or a emotional mess.

This commercial is stating, and creating a solidified belief, that women do not like action movies of this type, and they only want romantic comedies and fruity drinks. This is upholding all of the stereotypical views of women that out society has created and developed in order to draw a crevice between the genders.

Commercials like this uphold the inequality of the sexes.

When we uphold that inequality…we open the belief that there is 2 classes of people.

Because our society sees “strength”, killing, and power as superior to all. When 1 class is interested in killing, destruction, and upholding an unequal separation – we as a society see this group as more powerful and more valid than the other group.

Commercials like this uphold violence and violence against women.

Opt 4 always writing or saying something about this blatant sexism.

Opt 4 always standing up for equality.

Opt 4 true equality for the genders.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5qyHEYeGNM

–          Family guy clip…DV, did they go to far?

Family guy follows in the tradition of the satirists of history. They have always pushed the envelope.

BUT…..

Before we get too upset about the way they have depicted the victim as a “stupid girl who won’t leave her relationship we have to take a pause.

All satire holds a mirror to our own society and asks us to question how it’s running, and whether or not this is ok. This victim blaming reaction that was displayed on Family guy is sadly our reality.

Every class I talk about prevention of DV and TDV I am asked the same question by both the males and females of the audience…Why doesn’t she just leave? (NOTE –  the way this is phrased. The word ”just” is pointing out the utter misunderstanding of the victims ability to leave.)

People in the domestic violence world hears statements that mirror what  the Family Guy episode is really showing us. Sadly…this view of the victim and of Domestic violence is the overall view of the general populace.

Let us not be appalled at the fact that a show has aired this, but instead see that this is a reality that our world truly thinks. This is a viewpoint that many many people have and full believe.

For example – Lois tries to talk to Brenda and ends up getting angry/frustrated at Brenda’s denying and excusing the abuse. This is frustrating!  But remember, nobody is beyond help, but we can’t make someone do something. We can’t make a victim leave a relationship if they’re not ready to do so, as is the case in the Family Guy episode. The characters attempt to force Brenda to leave her abusive relationship, rather than empower her to make the healthiest choices for herself. I think the show also glosses over the fact that the victim knows their situation the best, and perhaps the safest option is to STAY

Family guy, yet once again, has given us something very serious to think about.  Whether anybody likes it or not, this IS the general thinking of our society!

Too many people believe that the problem of IPV is that women are “choosing” the wrong guys,

The REAL is that men don’t  know how to act!

Now is the time to start holding men accountable for what they do…and Family guy is asking us why we aren’t doing that.

So, why aren’t we holding the men accountable for the problems?

Can you believe this picture?

Look at these two pictures. The definition of gender roles is everywhere. The marketing of gender roles are everywhere!

 The scary part is that this is not only marketing to the kids, but this is also asking the parents to uphold these gender roles.

 What are these roles that are beign upheld?

Boy – talking on the phone(a connection to the outside world), relaxed and happy, in control, nicer kitchen, beautiful scene for the outside, wearing a watch(again a connection to the outside world), a tie and a business suit (he’s a worker and he just happens to be in the kitchen…this isn’t his normal atmosphere, active cooking.

Girl – wearing a apron (two fold message – girls pay attention to their clothes more, and she actually has an outfit for the kitchen….people who have outfits for a specific job belong in that job…think about seeing a McDonalds person outside of their work), she’s off balance(something that is often depicted in older women…meaning not in control of anything), not in a business suit of any type(in relaxed clothes as if she’s in her natural environment), trying to juggle all of the dishes and pour the tea (a view that many women can relate to – feeling like they are doing everything and have to keep everything in the family together, pink and pastel colors – “girl colors”, baking something (a job in which takes a lot fo time and preparation.

What do you think?

Is this right? Why?

Promote positive behavior such as…

  •   Respect for girls and    Women
  • Commitment to a positive  lifestyle
  • A sense of community
  • Positive relationships with parents and other adults
  • A belief in the ability to  change the future.

 

Remember:

You are the person who will change the world, and it only takes one!!!!!

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